Wow.

I'll say it again, wow.

It's been a while, for me. I really wasn't looking for this (other than a general open-ness) and was not expecting it quite so soon with this person (it was in my head as a "probably somewhere down the road" sort of thing).

It's all new. And shiny.

The transition bit is a little weird, for both of us. So, at least, I'm not alone. As usual, it's the out-in-public thing that's getting me. My shyness crops up in a way that is quite emphatic. I guess it'll just take time.

Yes, I'm being vague about this on purpose. A lot of our mutual friends can see my little corner of the interwebs, here. It's going to be pretty obvious, the next time you see me in person. Or, the both of us. But, did I mention the newness? It really is.

The late nights, when I have to be up for work in the morning, have to stop. I'm firmly planting a tiny foot about that.

There was this situation that I was a part of/am a part of. It's definitely more complicated than I want to go into here. If you know, you know. If not, I'm not telling much. A triangle, of sorts.

There was an event, over the weekend. I didn't realize how much it had upset me, until it was Monday morning and I was crying while I told a close friend about it. Thank goodness, not sobbing. But, so sniffly that a coworker came over to my cube to ask if I was okay. I considered sending an e-mail, that I'm very glad I didn't send - while honest, it wouldn't have accomplished anything except making someone else upset, too.

I went over to my best friend's place yesterday evening, caught her up to speed on the whole situation. Then, we went out and got dessert. 

It's making me crazy, making my head really full (when, due to other things in my life, there's not much space to spare). Is my hand going to be forced in having a 'talk' that I refuse to have? Can I stay friends with both these people, if watching them dance is going to upset me so much? I'm going to have to set boundaries for one of these folks, aren't I? What'll that do to them? I know that (because of those other things in my life), I am vulnerable and needy. It's already gotten me in a bit of trouble.

And, as I was driving home, I was agonizing over this and more in my head. All of a sudden, it came to me.Fuck that. Fuck letting this vulnerability and neediness run away with me again. Fuck agonizing over what is, admittedly, a very complicated situation. In fact, while we're at it, fuck complications. Fuck being in a position where I feel like I have to choose between people. And, fuck 'that' talk.

That's not how liking someone is supposed to make you feel. I realized, this evening, that I'm now using the past tense. I had feelings for that person. See what I did there? It makes the whole situation a lot less complicated. It is darn clear which way the wind is blowing for that person, not towards me. 

I feel lighter. I'm not wasting energy in that direction anymore. Those other two folks = friends. That is never a bad thing.

Hopefully, you who know me in person have sufficiently recovered from the heart attacks/aneurysms/strokes that came as a result of reading the f-bomb so many times in one of my entries.

Occasionally, only the real thing will do.

I saw Twilight  this weekend with some friends. They had all read the book, I had not. It seems that it's better not to have read the book. I was very unrepentant in my giggling at the schlock. And there was one point in the movie that set me physically flailing. I could not remember what it was, so frequent was the cheese. But, I have remembered and need to record. 

It was that whole "Only for the last couple of months...I like to watch you sleep..." bit. Really? Tell me we have not romanticized actually creepy stalking behavior. Please? Anyone?



Also, when did I become that person for everyone? I know why. *shakes fist* Darn you and your insightful observations! Darn you to heck!

I just changed the profile song on the MySpace page. I was going to make a pointed comment about it, but thought I had better check and see if the, um, target of the pointed comment has an account. The answer is yes, said target does have an account. 

So, no pointed comment. 

If you know what's going on with me right now, go take a listen. It's not an exact description of the thing, but kinda captures my mood about that issue/situation/evil plan.

I think I've kept this journal entry vague enough that...y'know and stuff.

So I need, need to your hand to hold
Hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
                                       -Superchic(k)


I was listening to the radio in my car a couple of weeks ago, driving home from Bible study or something. The above is the chorus of a song by one of my favorite bands. Certain of their songs always speak to me perfectly, speak to my circumstances.

It was the first time I had heard this particular song and it moved me to tears.

I had realized how bad things had gotten, until I realized how bad things had gotten. I had spread myself so thin with activities and responsibilities, that when things started to happen - things that I had no control over - I had neither the emotional nor energy reserves to deal in a healthy way. I didn't clean my apartment. I got behind at work. My social life didn't suffer because it was the only thing getting me through.

For those of you keeping score: it's been 3 deaths in the family, the anniversary of a death, a divorce, a deployment, and one of my best friends in a car accident that should have killed her, all in the last four months. Two of those things happened in the last two weeks. Incidental family craziness, being lied to by various parties, and (oh yeah) our CSTS charity screening were in there too.

I had had a conversation with my best friend. She had told me she was worried about me. In a serious way. 

I had been talking to certain people about things, kept a firm grasp on my support system. There wasn't one person who knew about everything. My best friend was worried, without knowing the whole story. Though, in that conversation, she learned most of it - up to that point.

It was just over two weeks ago, meeting some friends to see a band, that I finally felt like myself. For the first time in months, I was back to me. I was giddy that night.

I've been cleaning my apartment and catching up at work. It feels incredible. Life continues to happen in the same vein as of late. Since I've been back to me there's been a death in the family and that car accident, but the way that I'm dealing is all kinds of healthy.

This is my cautionary tale. I won't ever spread myself so thin again. I need to keep enough resources to take care of me.

If you were one of those people that I leaned on in the last several months, I'd just like to say:

Thank you.

We live
We love 
We forgive 
And never give up
                   - Superchic(k)

This tickles me so much:

It's going to be horrendously busy.

*cue the whining*

It's prep weekend for CSTS. I get to prepare all the items for the raffle: inventory, label, decide what goes in each raffle, and then work out logistics. We're using the ministry house that belongs to my church for the prep weekend - which will run noon-? on Saturday and noon-? on Sunday. I'll be the first one there and the last one to leave, 'cause I'm in charge of the key.

It's also Second Saturday, which means my church has all its free community stuff. Kicks off with a free breakfast, prepared by our men's group (they can COOK). Our clothing closet's open, which I help with, and a free movie in the evening.

This weekend is VBS (vacation bible school) preview weekend, there'll be lots of kidlets running around on Saturday.

This Sunday is the third one of the month, on which I work in the information booth at church, skipping my regular Sunday School class (meets in the ministry house). This means that I have to be to church earlier than usual, at 8:30 rather than 9:20.

*end whining*

In light of all this, and the fact that I'll practically be living at church this weekend, my cat is going to stay with my parents tonight and tomorrow night. I'll probably join her tomorrow night, to get more sleep on Saturday (and cut out crossing the river again). So, I've got to pin closed the hole in her carrier and cart her over to the parents' house. She's never taken a car ride that long with me. Shall be interesting. I wonder what she'll make of my parents' house...

Tickets are now on sale for the PDX Browncoats' annual Can't Stop the Serenity charity screenings, June 20 & 21 at the historic Hollywood Theater.

http://tinyurl.com/5tufcp

Tell your friends!

Squeeeeeee!!!!

I accompanied by brother to Trade up Music today. He wanted to get rid of one of his amps and pick up a wah-wah pedal, in which he was successful.

I (since I don't play guitar) amused myself looking at keyboards and the few wind instruments they had. Played for a while with a very nice keyboard that I don't have the room for, and can't afford. It was a full 88-key model with weighted keys (makes it feel like a real piano).

They had one trombone, way up on the wall. It was a decent model, tenor with the extra valve up by the bell. I realized that I wanted to try it out. I haven't wanted to play for several years. My year of university level band kind of burned me out. I was pretty much done, even donated my euphonium to the school. So, I don't currently own a brass instrument. It's been probably a good 7 years since I played a trombone.

And there was this guy there, looking at the saxophones - specifically the 3 tenor models they had. We got to chatting. He was chatting me up. Actually asked: do you shop here often? He was nice, probably about my dad's age. He plays in a jazz quartet. We talked as he tried out two of the three tenor saxes. It was fun to geek out with another wind player. My brother came over, about the time I went looking for a sales person to get the trombone off the wall for me. The sax guy high-tailed it. We did share one more meaningful glance as I was playing the trombone, across the room.

But, then the dangerous thing happened. The sales guy came up with a mouthpiece that I could use. My embouchure is probably very out of shape, but you never really forget how. It was a decent-sounding instrument. The key by the bell was sticky, the slide had too much friction down past fifth position, and the tone was a little bit tinnier than I like. But, my lips are still tingling. It's been several hours and my lips are tingling.

I want to play brass again. Stinkin' heck! Those things are expensive, if you want something halfway decent.

I managed to play the B-flat scale, and head from a low B flat to a high F, lip only. I want so badly to pick up a trombone, or a euphonium, and try to remember all the scales and pieces I used to have memorized.

Blast!

I just got back from an hour walk.

I hadn't really explored my neck of the woods on foot, it was pouring down rain and the middle of a thunderstorm. What's a native (who really likes the rain) to do? Why, go walking without a jacket and get soaked to the skin, of course.

I seem to need to do this every once in a while. It's a good recharge, really helps me clear my head.

I got some funny looks from neighbors, enjoying the storm from the dryness of their porches and patios. One car turned around twice, to drive by me. I bet if I had looked at them longingly, they would have given me a ride. Much relieved when they decided I must like it and drove away.

Ahhh. Also, much more tired now (good thing) and have a respectable number of steps for the day.

I was walking to my bus stop, on the way home from work yesterday. A couple was walking just ahead of me. The girl stopped to pick an azalea blossom from one of the bushes near the Keller Fountain. She handed her purse to her boyfriend, and as they continued to walk, proceeded to put it in the buttonhole of the jacket she was wearing.

Her boyfriend just carried her purse for half a block. He didn't seem to suffer from man-purse syndrome. You know, when a guy must assert his masculinity when holding a purse by carrying it in a way that it's obviously not meant to be carried. Slung over the shoulder (like a jacket), holding the handles in a bunch, clutching it by the body. Absolutely not carrying it like it's meant to be carried, 'cause they'd look girly.

This guy just carried it, by the handles, exactly as his girlfriend had been.

It's surprising how attractive that is: a man secure in his masculinity.

I stopped by the bank on my way home from work, on Wednesday. Just before going in, I noticed a confused-looking pair of teenage girls.

They follow me into the bank, and as I'm writing up my withdrawl slip, the braver of the two asks me a couple of questions.

Teenage girl: Excuse me, why is everything closed? Is it some kind of holiday?
Me: Not that I know of...
Teenage girl: Then why's everything closed?
Me: Like what?
Teenage girl: Starbuck's.
Me: Oh, that Starbuck's is closed for construction.
Teenage girl: Oh.

It's got to be a holiday if Starbuck's is closed. This conversation took place in a bank. That was open for business.

I shake my head at our youth.

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Was totally awesome!

I decided to get a weekend pass and go both days. The 'dealer's' room was so crowded, had so much to see, that I started referring to it as the 'overwhelming room'. Much quieter on the other side where the panels and talks were.

Saturday I rolled in around 3:30. After registering and taking a solo lap around the overwhelming room, I was able to catch the last 20 minutes of Mike Richardson's talk. Turned out that my brother (who I was looking for) felt compelled to see the head of Dark Horse, too. We met up when it was done and he filled me in on what I had missed.

We then headed back to the other side, where we met up with Kara and Anna. We browsed the tables. It's really true what they say. It's the wee tiny presses (who might print out of their basements) sitting there right next to Dark Horse or Oni. We bought things and talked to artists.

Then, it was time to stalk Scott Allie. Okay, not so much stalk. Approach and say 'hi' to, after all, we're organizers for the Can't Stop the Serenity - we'll be working with the man. There was a definite plan of attack. We got to the table he was sitting at and there's this book lying there: Tales of the Slayers, Vol. 1. How come I don't know about these? I saw the comic, I own the comic. I lost major Whedon-fan points right there. Scott threatened to tell Joss. Apparently, there are four of these books. Scott has written a couple of the short stories, there's at least one from Jane Espenson. Must find and read.

We walked and browsed some more. I saw zeo (yay!) over at registration. I miss that kid. We caught up a bit.

My brother treated me to dinner (he's gainfully employed, yay!). We headed over to Cosmic Monkey for the Comics Art Battle. Hot and stuffy, but uber-fun. Also, really late.

I made it to Sunday School today, but skipped service to head over to the fest. Mike Russell's talk about profitable webcomics (they do exist) was at noon. Which I really wanted to see, 'cause I hadn't seen Mike since Firefly at the Mission. Very interesting lecture, with online bonus features - he's an overachiever (even had handouts). After his talk was done, I took Anna up to the front and introduced her to Mike (they'd been in e-mail contact for CSTS).

Snagged my brother when he arrived and went over to the overwhelming side to meet up with Nance. We browsed a bit, bought some things, and she mentioned she wanted to meet Mike (also in e-mail contact with him for CSTS). I spotted him, so we went over and I introduced them. That was my job, to introduce workgroup members to Mike. We stood there and talked with him for a while. More browsing, my brother bought comics from a couple of the tables we had scoped on Saturday.

I've got to say, it's nice to go to a fest like this, meet people and not be working the event. The other con type things I've attended, I've always been volunteering in some capacity. It was refreshing to just go. I got some stuff done for the charity screenings, yes. Talked to some people and got some valuable info. But I wasn't hardcore promoting. It was casual.

Definitely down for next year.

I got done with jury duty early today, went home about noon. It was clear-ish this morning and my umbrella lives in my work bag, so I didn't have it with me. It was raining, heavy drops, as I waited for the bus home.

And then, a green umbrella appeared over me. A woman with blond hair, glasses, and a friendly expression was sharing her umbrella with me. Total strangers. I thanked her, and she shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

Here's to you! You're one of the reasons I love this town.

A friend mentioned them in connection with possible sponsorship for CSTS '08 ('cause we had been talking Saint Cupcake) and so, I had to check them out on the web: http://www.cupcakejones.net

Creme-filled cupcakes? Are you frakking kidding me? I love creme-filled anything.

So I head over there after work tonight (the Streetcar stops kitty-corner from the shop). Let me tell you, oh my sibs and friends, it was so good. So good! I might develop a little problem, a little cupcake habit.

Maybe it'll motivate me to go to the gym.

I can only hope.

And then, my neighbor invited me over for a bowl of homemade chili and some hanging out. I don't tend to socialize with my neighbors very much. It's not that I don't like the ones I've met, I just tend to keep to myself when I'm around the apartment (usually so relieved to have the night off).

She is awesome (makes a mean Crockpot chili) and may be a camping buddy for this summer - after CSTS, of course.

My cat is having a dental service today. I hope it doesn't break the bank.

But, I am taking off from work early.

On one of the boards I visit, someone cited a www.afterelton.com reviewer, referring to the Jack/Gwen ship as...


...Gwack.



*snerk*

Catching up on my Supernatural viewing.

This:



Hottest thing ever.

Your Score: 2.5 Seasons

( 46 Costs, 63 Reception, and 66 Cult Appeal )

Your tale is a tragic one indeed. You started off as a bit of a gamble, a new show with a little bit of a pricy budget, but lots of grand ideas. And against all odds, not only did you manage to snatch up devoted fans attracted to your new ideas and ways, but you also managed to secure critical attention. Although the ratings weren't quite up to expectations, FOX kept you alive hoping that your achievements were indicators of your true potential. So you lived on, and you fought harder and harder each day to realize that potential. But it never did come. FOX renews you for a third season as a last opportunity, but it fails to yield results, and your struggle comes to a sad end halfway through the third season.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 46% on Costs

You scored higher than 80% on Reception

You scored higher than 89% on Cult Appeal

The When Will FOX Cancel You? Test
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